A little bean grows.

Well I am 12 weeks pregnant and so are a few women on my facebook account.

I guess we are all cycle sisters and will no doubly have interesting comparisons throughout our pregnancies.

One thing is I am not as worried about this pregnancy, I don't think I will renting a doppler to monitor heart rates or take random trips to the ER as much. Right now I am worried about potty training -- it's the scariest thing!

I haven't had an ultrasound yet so I am slightly worried there's more than one baby in there (runs in the family and previous egg donations increase chances). They don't like giving early ultrasounds up here, I do want my anatomy scan done of the little guy/gal soon though.

Here was my son who pees on my floor and laughs at 12 weeks gestation:



I found out he was a boy at 14 weeks:



Pretty obvious eh? see: inevitable Canadian word use


I am hoping for another boy but any healthy little human will do - I mean it!

We have 'Scarlett Ellen' and 'Hendrix Drew' so far. Middle names for grandparents and I am totally set on the girl name. Boy name I like except I don't want his nickname to be 'Henry' so if I can't figure out something else it's going to change.

We will see...

Dream big.

So we may be on the verge of something really good.
My 'significant other/fiance/man of trades' may have landed a real job up here in caribou country. One with his own office, travel all over North America and PAY. Real pay, not pretend pay like we've been having since we moved.
I think sometimes the shit jobs we get breaks us down with a kind of emotional/financial abuse that makes us think we may not be worth more.

Job: "You leave me and you'll never find any job that gives you as much as I do."

Job you are a jerk. Really.



So J walked into this new, better place as if he was worth a million dollars and they didn't give us that much but at least it's 4 times the amount he's making now. Maybe 5-6 times.

If this works out I think I will have to go out to a really nice dinner.
Too bad I won't be having sushi - my bean won't let me. I love that bean though.

Yes, I am wearing stripes too.

People are commenting negatively because Kate Gosselin vented about how crazy it is having 8 kids? I don't love Kate but what's wrong with her saying that sometimes, she considers "running in the other direction and hiding," she admits of the "emotionally tiring and time consuming" task of raising children.



and more....

Help! Where is my referee uniform???? Honestly, this is every minute of every day in my house with eight kids!! OK, I'll admit it. There are the sweet moments of love and compassion to balance these never-ending stressful encounters, but for some reason, these unloving loud outbursts are what I tend to remember. I'm to the point where I hold up my hand and say, 'I'm not the complaint department, and I don't like how black and white stripes look on me, so go work it out. If you can't, I'll help you.' And I leave it to them. And I have a feeling there are many more jungle outbursts to be handled. Help me!"

Look at a quote from a mom on her blog:

"This is a sad situation. We have 9 kids and NONE of this happens in our home. our kids are close to your kids in age, 10, 8,6, 4 and 1. I would NEVER EVER EVER let all that tattling and needing a ref happen. No hitting and no telling on each other. To me this is a cry for help."

That's a miracle. 9 kids and all of them always loving and sweet to each other. Sure.


That's why I never went to playgroups much. So many moms are so quick to judge others, yes I am imperfect and yes my child makes me want to pull my hair out sometimes. My child is a CHILD. He will act out, kids do that. I guess his cries when he throws toys around because I say no is a "cry for help." Funny stuff. I cry, yell and have even contemplated jumping out of a window. Okay no, I wouldn't jump but it's that feeling of needing to escape every once in a while that gets me.

Let's see in all of the 2 1/2 years my son has been in this world I have gone out as many times as I can count on one hand. Let's not forget no drinking or sushi for the 9 months before he was born. Here I am again 'sushi-less'. My eyes burn when they are open and because he is so up and down with his spastic 2 year old emotions I am too. I don't think I have slept a full nights sleep since a surgery I had last year. My kid wakes up most nights for water or etc and usually if I don't change his night pull-ups at least once he will leak. He's a total pisser, always has been. Anyways back to surgery; I like going in for surgery sometimes, they give me medication to make me feel good after and serve me breakfast in bed. When can I have the next one? Oh ya, when I get my next c-section and I am going to milk my recovery time for all it's worth this time.

There is no more important job to me than molding a young being. I love my son more than I could ever describe and my heart will surely grow bigger with two. Does this mean it's taboo for me or any mom to say how much they hated their day sometimes? I'm not always a beaming ray of sunshine. Sometimes I am rainy, stormy, gray and will electrocute anything that isn't grounded.

So Kate, you can't dance but I don't blame you for being tired. You do have that right even if you get some help with all your money. Emotionally speaking, those are your kids and nothing can affect a woman more than when one (or eight) is crying.

Do you know about 65_redroses?

If you don't know the name Eva Markvoort you should.

She was a beautiful young woman with hair of red and eyes that told a million stories. She lost her life to cystic fibrosis March 27th, 2010 just a few days shy of her 26th birthday.

Cystic Fibrosis (also known as CF) is a common hereditary disease which affects the entire body, causing progressive disability and often early death. Most often you will see patients who have this with oxygen masks on struggling to breathe from a thick buildup of mucus in their lungs.

Eva is known as 65_RedRoses in the cyber world. She communicated with many people from her hospital room and opened so many people's eyes to the struggle of dealing with CF. Thanks to her there is more awareness about CF; inspiration for those with it and those without. Before she passed, Eva won the Canadian Cystic Fibrosis Foundation's Doug Summerhayes award for her contribution to education about CF. More people are signing up to donate organs that are so needed by people suffering and you should too.



There's so much I could type here about this extraordinary girl but I invite you to learn more by clicking on the links below:

Eva's online journal

Official website for Eva's documentary

Watch Eva's documentary online here

Taken from one of Eva's last journal entries:





"making the effort this evening to sit up in a chair
good to change positions
stretch different muscles
sending air to different pockets
mum asked what i miss?

i miss walking in and out of buildings
the feeling of air pressure change when you enter or exit a building
i miss getting in and out of cars
how your view changes when you sit at a different height
change really
i miss change
now, it is all the same
seven weeks....
there are no transitions
i miss transitions
from one place to another
which is strange really
because now i hate change
i can't stand change and yet i miss the transitions

i hold onto who ever is near
since when am i clingy?
i grasp onto
annie in the morning
jackie and robin in the afternoon
dad in the evening
maman all the time
episodes of projectile vomiting
hours of gasping for breath
waves of nausea lulling out into
hours of sleepiness once the meds have hit
leaving me daydreaming about stepping out of this room
just getting up
free of tubes and plugs
and walking out the door
pushing open doorways
skipping down the street
breathing free
free"


Eva is finally free of tubes.

She has taught me what's bad isn't that bad. I can breathe and I have always taken that for granted. She concentrated on every breath she took - do we even notice a breath of life giving oxygen we take?

She made lemonade out of lemons and I think we all could learn from her.

Like riding a bike? Introducing.....

So I thought I'd never blog again.

Is this like riding a bike? I never wanted to connect again to the internet after my life took a nose dive from it.
Long story short, I was an egg donor (now a pregnant ex-donor). The agency I was doing a cycle with sent my email address to the recipient father who sort of e-stalked me which caused all kinds of unwarranted random contact.
I do have many loving families I did help that I have kept contact with but that experience helped push me away from donation and without that I guess I wouldn't be baking a bun right now huh? The hormones were really getting to me anyway and not in a good way - I think I could feel myself aging.

So enough with that. Here's my second (or possibly third) introduction to the 'blogging' world. Here I will assault your eyes and test your patience with tales of pain, love and poop.



Me: 25 year old mother of one. 5'5". Gaining weight steadily. Growing my final bean (making me a mom of 2).
My son: 2 year old dinosaur. He told me so and you have to believe a toddler right?
My fiance: 24 year old rock star. Again, you believe what you are told ya?

I am a Canadian transplant from LA although my first 18 years were spent in Las Vegas.

Do I like Canada? Yes. Enough to live here for good? No. I want to go back to California. Mexican food is my #1 food choice and just look on Yelp.com for reviews on Mexican food in British Columbia. You won't find anything good; try some and you might lose all hope for a good burrito again. I'm leaving and I give it a few years max. San Francisco. Doesn't that have a nice ring to it?

Okay, okay I'm done with introductions. Why do it if I'm going to jabber on later?

By the way, right now? I see a lot of lemons.